Shame and Curiosity

As weird as it sounds, shame can feel safe. Awful, but safe.

 The false safety of shame stems from its familiarity. It is commonly used by many of the systems we find ourselves a part of (family, school, work, religious organizations, social groups, etc.) as a motivator or a deterrent for certain behaviors. The hope for shame is that it will make us feel bad enough about something that we stop doing that thing.

 In my experience, shame does nothing. Shame paralyzes us, allowing the problem to remain hidden, thus keeping it in the exact place it needs to hold all of the power. “Problems” (or wounds or unwanted behaviors) use that power to make the rules, and if the problem makes the rules, our voices fade into the background.

 Shame’s favorite thing is “negative self-talk.” I imagine negative self-talk as the food that nourishes and strengthens shame after it has already found its place within us. Shame loves to feed off of statements like these:

❖     I’m a bad person.

❖     I’m defective.

❖     I should be able to do this.

❖     I should be able to stop doing this.

❖     I am ugly. I am weak. I am crazy.

❖     I am not enough.

In my work with folks experiencing disordered eating and body image issues, I see how shame gives the problem permission to take control. For some, eating behaviors can be a great source of shame that stays hidden from the world, and as long as it remains out of sight, it grows stronger and the disordered eating reigns supreme over the person. When working with clients silenced by this shame-problem clusterfuck, I like to bring in my #1 therapeutic go-to word: Curiosity.

 Unlike shame, curiosity brings the problem out into the open. Curiosity encourages healing and empowerment by transforming our relationship with problems. Instead of feeding the problem with shame and negative self-talk, curiosity asks us to fully look at the problem without judgment or bias through dialogue. Dialogue requires us to sit with our problems within a space of inquisitiveness, imagination, and creativity, as if you’re writing out a conversation between two characters in a play.

As a narrative therapist, I like to ask questions to invite the problem into a conversation. Some that come to mind include:

❖     Where did you come from?

❖     When did we meet?

❖     How do you impact my life?

❖     How do impact the lives of my friends and family?

❖     What purpose do you serve?

Of course, it’s always best to make this process your own. In addition to any questions you may have, perhaps you have something that you would like the problem to know. Maybe you have something to get off your chest? It’s also helpful to utilize activities that help the creative process. Some may prefer to journal while others like to create voice memos or videos. Find your thing and allow the curiosity to flow.

I’ve often heard the phrase, “You need to confront your problems head on,” but this is not about confrontation. This is about learning, growing, and getting to know yourself outside of your shame.