Learning From Your Shadow Self
Think about something you would like to work on about yourself. Maybe you struggle with jealousy or controlling behavior within your relationships or are prone to avoidance and procrastination when it comes to work/school. Or, you find yourself exhibiting some narcissistic qualities that have caused harm to those closest to you. These are just examples of how our “shadow selves” could show up and inject havoc into our daily lives.
Unfortunately, we don’t always recognize these qualities as reflections of our inner shadows. Instead of looking inward, we fixate on outward influences that we can blame for our emotional or behavioral reactions. Here’s an example:
Imagine you’ve just lost an intense game of Uno and are upset. Probably more upset than you should be, and even though you’re trying to hide it, your face says it all. After noticing this, one of your friends jokingly comments about how you don’t like losing, and now you’re not just upset, you’re enraged. But…why? The comment seemed harmless enough, but you’re still so angry at your friend. “How dare they?” you ask yourself, “What a shitty thing to say!” Then you spend the rest of the night quietly fuming, and you can’t help but view this friend as an insensitive jerk from then on.
Okay, let’s unpack that. While the friend in this scenario probably shouldn’t have poked fun at you when you were upset, the reaction the joke elicited shows that something much deeper is happening here. That comment touched on something called your shadow self (thank you, Carl Jung), meaning the part of you that you hide from and hope to keep hidden from others. Within this hypothetical situation, perhaps you were berated as a child for being a “poor loser” or not performing well enough in a competitive situation, resulting in complicated shameful feelings when competing. Your friend’s joke upset you so much because it triggered that shame and your fear that you were being “found out.”
It’s important to note that emotional responses related to our shadow selves are not overreactions or an example of being “too sensitive.” Recognizing how your shadow self impacts your life is not meant to invalidate your experiences but rather to help you become more in tune with yourself. We can learn so much from our shadow selves, and there is a great opportunity for healing within those lessons.
When connecting with our inner shadows, we are moving away from shame and towards self-acceptance by acknowledging why certain unwanted traits show up for us. Joining with the shadow self can also be empowering in that it allows us to feel more in control of how we react to the people and situations around us.
When meeting with your shadow self, be curious. Ask yourself: Where do you feel them in your body? How old are they? What do they sound like? How long have they been with you? Where and when do they show up the most? Is there someone in particular that brings them out more than others? Write out this dialogue in a journal or process it with your therapist. More importantly, do this work when and in a way that makes you feel safe and brave. Meeting your shadow self can be scary, so take your time.
